i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
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[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
There’s never enough good news
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
sigh
My dream job is getting paid to dream
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.