We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
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If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.