*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
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This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS