The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
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A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.