Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
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Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
If only
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
Not all heroes wear capes….
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes