Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
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[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?