The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
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*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.