π See no evil.
π Hear no evil.
π Monkey beat-boxing
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DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
β’ You’re born.
β’ You grow up.
β’ You believe in Santa.
β’ You stop believing in Santa.
β’ You look like Santa.
β’ You are Santa.
β’ You die.
5: Whatβs for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, whatβs for gross dinner?
Me: Iβm having pasta but I no longer know what youβll be eating
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
[The year was 2050]
βGrandpa why are you sitting outsideβ
βThere was a time when this was illegal you knowβ
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
I entered my Chihuahua in an βugliest dogβ contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
1920βs: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020βs: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me π€£
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit