ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
You Might Also Like
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
Me, in DM rooms…
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not