I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
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I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad