It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
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Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.