[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
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One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no