Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
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*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.