Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
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Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
Watson was Holmes schooled
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
*pronounces patio like ratio
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’