GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
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no!! no!!!!!!
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position