I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
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And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
seems fine
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
Bond. Trauma bond.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it