God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
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My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
lot going on here, legally speaking.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes