“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
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Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
Respect