WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
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Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.