This 4th of July, please remember…
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Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
*exercises sarcastically*
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
😎 🍻
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie