Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
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Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive