Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
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I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place