Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
You Might Also Like
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
That’s fair
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship