My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
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i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
🤣🤣
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT