I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
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I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.