Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
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Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
#FunnyLife Insects
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
Good morning
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally