18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
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Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
Baking is just science you can eat.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.