“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
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I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
Potatoes were such a good idea
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
Ladies, why y’all do this?
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.