I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
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I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
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Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*