When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
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[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.