I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
You Might Also Like
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
*performs CPR on the turkey*
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir