I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
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Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani