Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
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I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Monday?
No. Next question.
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
Doctors texting each other.
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.