i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
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Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
This is what makes twitter great
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.