me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
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To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]