7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
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I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
Message from the dog groomers
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.