You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
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Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
NASA has no chill
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!