The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
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Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.