[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
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You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
Brilliant!
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.