I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
Every work call, he judges.
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.