It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
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The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10