6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
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“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
never ask a starfish for directions
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or