I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
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Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
bears
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
Don’t frighten the programmers!
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses