ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
You Might Also Like
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh