Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
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Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
I hope it’s French Onion!
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.