date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
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Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.