They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
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smartest karate player in the world
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood