OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
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My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
me 2 months after i graduated
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.