“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
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Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
nature’s most graceful animal
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.