I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
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marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.